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I'm obsessed with nostalgia for times I was never there.

Lately I've been spending a lot of my time watching Serial Experiments Lain and trolling the Wayback Machine archives for screenshots of ancient websites and LiveJournals that no longer exist. I'm hungry for something that is constantly just out of reach. I can almost feel it, but I can't grasp it, like sticking my hand into a plume of hot steam.

I think everyone kind of feels like they were "born in the wrong era" in some way, and I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I am possibly just far too odd to belong comfortably anywhere or anywhen. Lately, though I've been obsessed with the late 90s and early 2000s, specifically the tech side of things.

My family didn't own a computer till 2006, when my high school stopped allowing us to turn in hand-written assignments and my old typewriter wasn't cutting it anymore. I missed out on a lot of the internet pre-Web 2.0, and I'm extremely bitter about it.

I wish I could go back to when the internet was a new and scary place where weirdos could find other weirdos. Before microblogs and blank white and blue websites. When people could be themselves online, anonymously, and blogged openly about their lives without fear of their employer finding out about their private thoughts. Before every fast food outlet had their own "social media" page.

I feel like the internet has become too much like the real world: everything moves too fast, nothing means anything, and no one cares. I guess this LJ is my attempt to carve out a little niche for myself, and bring back a little bit of that fun and mystery of the internet that I didn't have a chance to participate in. To have a blog that I actually feel safe enough to write in, and challenge myself to write more than a few sentences at a time. I hope to be able to connect with others more, to make new friendships the way I used to before I began using Facebook like a phone directory, when online friends were more like pen pals than anything else. I crave the chance to show the Real Me(TM) by bypassing the limitations of physicality. I'm beginning to regret choosing such a female-sounding name; Polly Needles is the name of an alter-ego that's been living in my head for a while and I guess she needs some exercise. It sucks that you have to pay to change your LJ username, but maybe if I end up using this enough it might be worth the $7 or whatever it is.

I guess I'll take advantage of the LJ privacy settings and make this blog a little less structured and a little more free-form. I like the fact that I can be connected to others and still have room to breathe. Having a blogspot blog felt too much like being in a rowboat out in the middle of the ocean. I had no idea who was reading my posts, if at all. I feel like the format of LJ encourages back and forth conversation, and I really hope that I can find others who are looking for the same things as I am.
Current Location: Bad Idea Factory
Current Mood: nostalgicnostalgic
Current Music: Serial Experiments Lain playlists on 8tracks
19 February 2017 @ 17:54
things i hate reading on the internet:

- the word "fandom"
- "as a person who..." no. "as someone who has..." stop. "as a mother/father/gamer/blogger/whatever..." shut up.
- "well actually..." i will end you.
- clickbait titles. even just the titles are enough to make me wanna punch my screen.
- literally anything from buzzfeed and similar websites
- goths arguing about what is/isn't goth, goth history, "emo is not goth," "well actually (double retch) x band is post-punk" holy fucking shit please stop you stale, crusty old biscuit.

this post was brought to you by a small number of peeves that have been ruminating in my brain for a few months now and need to be ejected like a fucking kidney stone.
Current Mood: mildly disgruntled
i want to change my name again. except i don't. what is this sudden sense of stability? is this what it's like to be sane? it's frustrating. i liked being so fluid (no you didn't quinn, it was terrifying and disorienting). i liked being able to be whoever i wanted to be (no you didn't, remember how scared you used to feel when you looked in the mirror and saw a stranger's face).

i like who i am now but i don't like the way my name sounds. i like the New Name better. it's snappier, no family ties. (but you want the family ties, remember? for nana and grandad, they're the only reason you chose that name.) yeah but after visiting them i don't really feel like they understand what a big deal that was. i don't think they would even if i explained it i doubt they'd understand. (yeah, they're not very sensitive people. at least not in any real way.)

felix is a good name. i feel like "felix" as a concept is an attempt to integrate the two most extreme aspects of myself: the angry, punk, hard-femme with shaved and coloured hair and a desire to punch everyone in the face, and the flirty, mischievous prettyboy twink. hard-twink, perhaps?

i no longer want to be perceived as a boy. i'm firmly in the non-binary camp, that much is for sure. lately i've been taking some time to sit with and understand my connections to my... afab-ness? acknowledging and inspecting the impact of so-called "female socialisation" on my understanding and perception of myself, as well as others' perception of me. my history of trauma is deeply tied to my position in the world in a space marked as "female" by everyone around me, and how the rules of our society dictate their behaviour towards that space. whether it's fair or not That Space is Me, and i cannot just ditch the pain and suffering attached to the afab-ness. i am made of scar tissue, and i can't just ignore that.

but i've learned a lot about myself since my first name change. i'm starting to control that weird mix of identity fracturing and imagination that results in a new personality/character sprouting out of the tree that grows inside my head. hopefully one day soon i'll feel safe enough to write them down, get them out, leave more room to breathe in there. that's what i did with Magdelena and she doesn't bug me anymore. that reminds me, i owe her a proper story. i should get around to finishing that one day.

but felix is a Good Name. it's technically a boy's name by current standards, but i like that. it's not a strongly masculine name, but it's gentle enough that it could be employed without too much discomfort when i'm feeling more feminine. dropping my mother's maiden name would certainly make it more difficult for her to find me, which is always a bonus. plus i like the initials: F.Q. like eff you.

whether i choose to go the whole hog and change my name legally again (i'd definitely spring for the altered birth cert this time) i like felix quinn as a stage/public name. fucking facebook won't let me change my name there again, so i made a new account, but i'm having the same problem i did when i made another account a while ago. i've been on facebook for almost a decade, and the whole time i've catalogued my growth as a person through numerous facebook statuses, photos, etc. it's a lot to let go of. not just deleting my old account (because i refuse to have two accounts) but starting again from scratch. in the old days, before we (i, it's i now) were integrated, that would have been great, but i never did it then because i always had the option of changing my name. now however i don't. and i'm learning that facebook is much closer to the real world than i would like, so i don't exactly want possible work contacts (oh the joy of working in a creative field) to be able to go through 8 years of mental health issues, abuse, daydreams, shitty poetry, outrage article-sharing and god knows what the fuck else. but without that stuff, how will i know who i am?

how do you relate to your online persona? does it differ from site to site? how open are you on facebook compared to other sites where you spend your time?
Current Location: Bad Idea Factory
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: housemate chatter
05 February 2017 @ 15:35
so i'm back to a smartphone. that lasted about 2 days. i literally cannot live without a cameraphone now, images have just become part of the way i communicate. i've always recorded things around me, mostly by writing them down, but the combination of having a cameraphone and studying film has changed the way i see and record the world around me. also i felt cute and wanted to take some nude pics, and then send them to someone so returning to the smartphone was necessary. what can i say, that's just the sort of person i am.

the short amount of time i spent without it though, gave me some time to think. when i was lonely or bored, i texted people directly instead of scrolling through my facebook in a vague attempt to connect with someone. i like this much better. i've also joined a few discord servers based on some of my interests. i'm a fan of this direct communication, rather than the feed-based websites that are cluttering up the internet these days. i've decided to pare down and re-start everything.

right now i have:
- facebook
- 3 instagram accounts - one personal, one for glitch art, one for promoting Spokes that has nothing on it
- twitter
- 4 tumblr blogs
- snapchat
- livejournal
- dreamwidth
- something like 4 or 5 email addresses

so no wonder things feel cluttered. i've discovered i can live without twitter and tumblr, and my personal instagram isn't worth keeping. probably gonna ditch snapchat too, i can always remake it if i miss it, but right now i end up sending pics directly to people's phone numbers instead. i need to consolidate my email addresses too, then that will be most of the pile cleaned up.

i'm a fan of more in depth communication. i prefer the way that lj makes me sit down and think about what i'm writing rather than firing off short bursts of thoughts out into an ocean of other thoughts. i also don't feel like posting individual photos of my day really accomplish anything. i'd much rather the approach of saving up a bunch of photos i want to share and writing something to accompany them all. old school. like when everyone had blogs. that was like the golden age of the internet, just when facebook was a baby and everyone still had a myspace. except me, i never had a myspace.

i've also made a dreamwidth that i intend to keep as a public blog. i'm suspicious of lj and i don't want to lose everything suddenly if it goes tits up so i'm figuring out how to mirror things over there. the people, of course, are over here, so currently i feel kind of torn between the two, but for some reason it's much less stressful than being torn between several instagram accounts.

so that's where i'm at right now. digital decluttering. expect to see more of my thoughts about the social climate of the internet and how it's impacted my growth as a person, because that's what i've been thinking about a lot lately. i should come up with a tag for that sort of thing. hmm....
Current Location: Bad Idea Factory
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Current Music: Skinny Puppy
04 February 2017 @ 21:22
i'm thinking of changing my name again. i first changed it when i was 16, although due to red tape and beurocratic bullshit it didn't become my legal name till I was 20. i'm 24 now, and i feel like the name i picked when i was a desperate, frustrated teenager doesn't quite fit me anymore.

normally when i start feeling like this i change my facebook name for a while to just try it on for size, but apparently i've changed my name too many times so i'm not allowed to do that. (on a side note i really want to get off facebook. i've considered remaking an account under the new name and just starting over but ugh there's a whole lot there to unpack). so i guess i'm test driving the new name here instead.

hi, my name is felix quinn. i use they/it pronouns, and i'm currently looking for a middle name. considering "jupiter" for several reasons - i'm a sagitarius, it was a name i considered during my first round of name hunting, felix j. quinn sounds good, but i'm still looking.

i'm off to the pronoun dressing room for a bit to have a play around. :3
Current Location: Bad Idea Factory
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
Current Music: Fuckbuttons
01 February 2017 @ 19:03
Lately I've been feeling fatigued by how constantly connected I am. I love the internet, I grew up on it, I used it to find other freaks like me and to cope in a world that actively hated me. I'm pretty sure that without it I'd be dead. But lately things have been different. I've fallen into the trap of using Facebook to numb the pain of loneliness rather than reaching out directly to others. I've probably written about this before, but recently I decided to take a big ass step back. I bought myself a $30 dumbphone from Optus, and I intend to spend a couple of weeks with it to see exactly how many of the modern conveniences I've come to rely on I actually need in my pocket 24/7.

I'm about 7 hours into my self-imposed dumbphone exile and I can already see a few reasons for hanging on to my smartphone...
- having a camera on me all the time. who am i kidding, i'm a filmmaker, i can't live without a camera
- not to mention how awesome it is to have editing apps right there on my phone. amazing
- being able to send spontaneous nudes or share pics in the trans groups on Facebook when i feel good about myself
- my menstrual tracker app Clue, is literally the only thing I've ever used that works for me. Highly recommended if you want a mens. tracker that is gender neutral and has a clean UI.
- music maybe?? but the memory on my iPhone is tiny so not a lot of room anyway. i plan on getting a plain old drag-and-drop mp3 player so maybe not a thing.
- qwerty keyboard omg. the 9 button thing gets old real quick for someone who talks as much as i do.
- i've had precisely three video calls in my life but I like them so fuck you i'm counting it.

Basically having a camera connected to things I can share is the main thing I'm missing. I hope that after my little experiment I'll have the self-control to have a smartphone on me and just like switch off the data or something. Haven't really needed the gps or browser for anything, or check my emails on my phone, so besides the 9 button thing it's going pretty well. I text people directly when I want someone to talk to, rather than scrolling through Facebook's weird ass surrogate companionship wall, and pretty much everyone has replied much faster than they would if I'd inboxed them on Facebook. I do miss emojis though. I'm not sure how long this will last, but hopefully I can make it 2 weeks without caving, and in the process retrain my behaviour to do more useful things with my free time.
Current Location: at the top of a maple tree
Current Mood: focused
Current Music: Buddha Radio
05 November 2016 @ 20:30
I'm back!! Did you miss me? ;)

I finally got around to changing up me theme a bit. Definitely gonna need more work, but I'm happy with the way it is for now. I wanna make some cool glitch art as a header image and maybe some icons and shit.

I really wanna spend more time on LiveJournal because I like the way it makes me take my time. I write full length journal entries and spend time and effort on my icons. I'm unhappy about this new like button bullshit. I want to make a shirt that says DOWN WITH LIKE BUTTON CULTURE. I also want to make one that says NANG FIEND but who knows when I'll get around to it.

Since I've not written in a while sooooo much has gone on, but right now I'll start with the most exciting thing: I'm a VJ now!! Hahahahahahaha!! My first gig was at the Fang Halloween Ball last week, and Fyo and did it together, so Holy Machines is now a thing!! VJs are so thin on the ground and the standard is so low that people are amazed by anything even remotely interesting. Frankly I was happy to be at a goth club and not have to watch that same fucking Disney cartoon of the dancing skeletons on repeat again.

I've also started a new relationship with the aforementioned Fyo, which is interesting in many ways, as well as changes in my relationship with Rory. I had plans to move out with Dylan and Conor for a while but after some thought I decided maybe a better course of action was for me and Rory to have seperate rooms. Rory, however, doesn't want a room, he wants to live in his new Sprinter so I've been stressed out over having all his shit still in my room on top of everything else.

Everything else being: directing not one but TWO grad films (one of which I wrote and was inspired by some shit that happened with my mother as a teenager so it's not exactly a hayride), all the other school assignments I need to work on, launching crowdfunding campaigns for said films, pursuing a new relationship with someone who's mental health is quite likely more chaotic than mine, reconnecting with my father, dealing with memories of my mother, dealing with other people's families and the feelings they bring up, my shrink retiring, my GP suddenly fucking off overseas without telling me or writing a new prescription for my anti depressants, and whatever the fuck else I've forgotten to write about.

On the plus side, my stupid fake boobs are gone and i feel SO MUCH better. I feel way more comfortable in my body, I can wear whatever I want, I don't feel sick when I move and I can feel my shirt or my arms touch my boobs. I can be out in public again without feeling crippling anxiety. I'm kind of fucking peeved that i ended up spending $18 000 on some admittedly cool-ass scars but i'm trying to look at it as an important lesson in ownership and accepting my body. $18 000 would buy a lot of tattoos though.

Tonight the Big Fucking Robots have another gig but I think I'd rather stay home and have a night to myself. We're filming a short scene for an assignment tomorrow and I get to direct Fyo in it >:D so I need to prepare myself, but I'd also like to spend some time catching up on movies and/or writing in my LJ. I really prefer the layout and attitude of LJ, though I wish I could convince some of my favourite Tumblr mutuals to join as well.

So yes, I have returned triumphantly to this strange, crumbling ruin of a website to reside amongst those who dwell amongst the long form writing and CSS coding. I like it. If I can ever decide on a username I like I might try Dreamwidth again since I don't fucking trust Putin and his bullshit.

Oh by the way, if anyone knows of any good friend memes going around, please let me know! I've met some cool cats here through memes and I would love to get to know more!!
Current Location: Bad Idea Factory
Current Mood: blehhh
25 July 2016 @ 11:07
A thought: I'm considering that some people get so iffy about pronouns because they've never had to really think about the way that they talk. Maybe it's an autistic thing or a cross-class thing, but I've constantly had to be mindful of my tone of voice, the words I use to express myself, even my accent. Over the course of my life the various little adaptations I've made to make communication easier I've developed some unique speech patterns and pronunciations, some necessary and some just because they were fun and made verbal communication less of a chore.

A lot of things I've picked up have been from autistic-coded aliens or robots in television/movies/video games, looking at the English language as it's presented in these media formats (usually American or British) and comparing and contrasting them to the way people around me talk and trying to find a way to repurpose what I saw/heard on the screen to my real life. I think this alien way of approaching language makes me more curious and open to incorporating things like neopronouns.

TBH I'd like to restructure the whole way we use pronouns/refer to people in third person entirely. I wanna make a new language just because.
Current Location: The Academy
15 June 2016 @ 17:27
Sometimes I forget that writing can be fun. Since the Orlando shooting my Facebook feed has been full of people's articles and opinions and think pieces and blog posts and screenshots and I'm just sick of it. Before that there was the gorilla thing, and everyone's opinions on that. There there's everything about both elections, US and Australian. It's take the joy out of the internet for me and left a bad taste in my mouth.

I'm aiming to spend more time on LJ simply because it's not so crowded. Here it feels like I have room to breathe. Like what I have to say matters, even if it's just to two or three people. It's hidden away from the prying eyes of strangers and nosey aquaintences, and even though my real life friends don't use it, I value my time spent here.

Here it doesn't matter what people think of what I write because no one knows me. I'm really tired of feeling so exposed on the internet with my real name and my face everywhere. I can't imagine what it must be life for celebrities, with total strangers watching them and taking their pictures and hanging on their every word.

I'm not sure what to do about the problem of Facebook. Apart for the myriad of reasons why Facebook is terrible, it's just messy. It's not personal anymore. Every second item in my feed is a share from a page I don't follow, or a status I've already read that's been bumped up because someone commented on it. All the various corporate monstrosities have now invaded my "social" media experience with their fucking ads and "fan" pages, as if the billboards, posters, radio, tv, potify, youtube, magazine and youtube ads weren't enough. It's a lot of junk and there isn't really any way to disconnect from it, and it's getting worse since people have started using it to contact me about film stuff at school. I don't want strangers reading all my posts. I'd rather just not add them to facebook at all. The problem is everyone else uses it and nothing else. I'm considering starting a second account specifically for school and work related stuff, but I'm not sure if there's much point. I honestly want to delete my account all together but I've met two people in the past who I care about deeply that I never really talk to because they don't have it. I've met a bunch of great people through it but I'm not sure if it's worth the trouble. Then there's fucking Twitter. If social media platforms were junk food, facebook would be a Big Mac and Twitter would be Pixie Sticks. It's just an endless stream of nothing.

Everything is so bland. Everything looks the same, and it's so hard to customise anything. You have to use your legal name, there's no room for creativity or exploration. Everything is so easily turned into a product, even the thoughts you have throughout the day, packaged and shared in a neat little status. I never had a MySpace but I had an IMVU page that I learned how to twiddle with HTML to customise and make it pretty. There's just not room for that sort of thing anymore. I'm sick of looking at white and blue pages of spoonfed curated bullshit.

Maybe the obvious thing is just to spend less time online? I've tried deleting the apps from my phone but the odd occaision that I do use them for stuff like posting photos to Facebook I really only use the app. I dunno man, there's just too much crap around. The internet must have been a lot more fun when not everyone used it.

Lately I've been doing this thing where instead of posting a status on Facebook, I send it as a text message to someone who I think would appreciate the thought, or want to have a conversation about it. I think I prefer things this way, plus I get free text messages.

I dunno, lately I've been examining everything with a critical eye. I don't feel like the time and energy I spend trying to communicate on social media are really getting anything back from it, but being online was such a huge part of my formative social development that I feel like I'm currently fighting with a lover. I'm trying to rediscover what made me fall in love with the internet in the first place. The freedom, the lack of defined rules, the ability to be whoever you want to be, to meet people from all over the world who are as weird as I am. Those are the things I want from my online life. I will keep searching and finding other avenues. I may even get business cards with an email address on them, just for kicks.
Current Location: Bad Idea Factory
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: The Birthday Massacre
28 May 2016 @ 15:01
Life has been pretty hectic lately so I haven't had time to update much. I kind of summarised the events of the last couple of weeks in an update on my YouCaring campaign.


Long story short, surgery is booked for July 21st. Rory is going away a couple of days after that so I don't know how I'm going to handle myself then but I don't want to postpone it anymore.

I went out to a goth club last night and had a great time, barely any anxiety at all. I guess this is what having balanced serotonin is like. I like it.

I might write another update later today with more in depths feels and stuff, for now I just wanted to let you all know I'm still here. I'm looking forward to catching up on everyone else's journals.

Current Location: Bad Idea Factory
Current Mood: hungryhungry
Current Music: Birds tweeting